Rules of the Rail

The true, accurate, genuine, bona fide, unofficial rules of the New York Subway System

The following is a list of ten rules to be applied when utilizing the New York public subway system. Infringement of said rules will result in no punishment or law enforcement or retribution of any kind, but will officially label you as a “douche” by fellow riders on said Subway system. These rules are technically unauthorized and unsanctioned, but all readers and riders should make every attempt to abide by these rules at all times when riding the subway. Please note: these rules can be altered, enhanced, augmented, modified, amended, revised, reworked, and are subject to change without notice or warning:

Rule 1:
Subway traffic flow will always be initiated with exiting passengers followed by entering passengers.

Amendment 1A: Riders of the New York Subway (hereby referred to as the “subway”), should avoid pushing into the subway prior to the full and entire exodus of outgoing passengers.

Amendment 1B: Those exiting the subway should do so quickly and efficiently. Lollygaggers will not be tolerated and will result in said lollygaggers being stepped on and walked over from incoming subway traffic. If it’s your stop, do not pause, take a breather, suspend, wait, or halt: get off damn the train.

Rule 2:
Upon entering the train, incoming passengers should move to the center of the train. Even if it appears you are the last person on the train, assume you are not. Someone will inevitably jump on the train after you, nano-seconds before the doors close, causing a domino effect of shoving and teeter-tottering bodies and will cause said subway doors to open and close 7-8 times sequentially, thereby delaying the departure of the train. You are never the last person on the train. Never.

Amendment 2A: Moving to the center of the train means physically moving away from the doors. This will likely mean standing in front of a seated passenger. That’s okay. Don’t be afraid. Sometimes it’s unavoidable.

Amendment 2B: Headphones do not exempt you from Rule 2. While headphones (or “i-buds” as the kids call them these days) have the potential to hinder your ability to hear what’s going on around you, headphones actually have no affect on your visual competence or your capacity to notice that someone behind you is trying to get on the train. Headphones may make it feel like you’re somewhere else, but you know you’re on a train. Make room for the person behind you.

Rule 3:
Under no circumstances should a rider lean, hug or otherwise embrace the holding pole* thereby warranting the pole useless for other riders. The pole is meant to be shared.

Amendment 3A: Respect the holding pole. Don’t sneeze into your hand and then grab the pole. Come on! No one likes a snotty pole.

Amendment 3B: If you have children, don’t let them lick the pole. Note that all riders do not adhere to Amendment 3A – so – eeeww….

Clause 3B1: As a general rule, it’s good to avoid letting your kids tongue anything on the subway – the poles, the seats, the windows – kids should keep their tongues in their mouths while on the train.

Clause 3B2: Clause 3B1 also applies to adults.

Rule 4:
The following is prohibited during rush hour:
- Over-sized luggage
- Bicycles
- Walkers
- Mariachi Bands
- “Let’s Go Europe” backpacks
- Break-dancers**
Rush hour is about transporting as many bodies as possible in a condensed time period. One bike = 3 bodies. It’s simple math. If you have a bike, perhaps you should ride it.

Amendment 4A: In the rare occasion where a seat is available during rush hour, it is mandatory that the nearest passenger must sit. An empty seat = a potential rider whose been left behind on the platform and will have to wait 3-5 minutes for the next train which could mean the difference between a clean carpet and a dog emptying his bladder because he just couldn’t hold it that last 90 seconds. Basically, it comes down to doggy pee. So take the seat because that stuff is hard to get out.

Rule 5:
Yes, Amendment 4A spoke of “taking the seat,” but Rule 5 is about giving up your seat. The following is an official chart of seat hierarchy:

- Elderly Female***
- Pregnant Female****
- Child with crutches
- Adult with crutches
- Elderly Male
- Adult with stroller *****
- Child (male or female) under 12
- Adult Female (able-bodied)
- Adult Male (able-bodied)
- Male (16-18)******

Rule 6:
If you choose to tell your story about being homeless and having a wife / husband with a deadly disease and having three children under the age of three and a sweet yellow lab with one eye who needs doggy treats and an aging mother suffering from Alzheimer’s aloud to your fellow subway passengers and you say something like “anything will help…money….food…” and a good-hearted subway user from the west coast gives you a perfectly healthy, unopened, delicious, pecan flavored granola bar, you can, under no circumstances reject the granola bar. This is prohibited. You must take the granola bar. It doesn’t matter if it is the tenth granola bar you’ve received that day. You asked for food and must take the food. A “thank you” would also be appreciated.

Rule 7:
Your music is awesome. It is so awesome you want to play it really loud. If I’m in the next car however, and can hear the music on your i-pod, it’s probably a little loud. Listen to your music. Love your music. But don’t share your music…it’s yours! Other passengers don’t want to hear it.

Rule 8:
Eating on the subway is permitted but should be limited to contained, compact and easily edible food. All foods with excessive crumbs, globs, girth, sauce, or packaging should be avoided. This is rule is subject to interpretation and passengers should use their best judgment. Prohibited foods include, but are not limited to the following:

- Falafel
- Over-sized Philly Cheesecake sandwiches where th e cheese oozes out the back
- Crumb Cake
- Spaghetti
- Juicy, over-sized, hamburgers
- Anything that takes both a knife and fork to consume

Amenment 8A: Foods with pungent odors should also be avoided whenever possible.

Rule 9:
In a crowded subway, if you are closest to the door and the train comes to a stop, you must temporarily step off the train to let people off. You will be guaranteed premium access back on the train once the exiting passengers have departed.

Amendment 9A: If you are waiting for a train and see someone step off the train to let exiting passengers off - you must let them get back on the train before stepping on yourself. Stepping in front of them to enter the train will lead to automatic douche status.

Rule 10:
Do not urinate on the train.*******

* At time of publication, the author of this publication could not think of a better term for “holding pole.” The “holding pole” is the stripper-like pole in the center of the train that exists for people to hold onto so they don’t fall down during the general turbulence of subway travel.

** It’s all fun and games until someone gets kicked in the face….which I’ve seen happen. Let’s keep the break-dancing where it belongs –1986.

*** Less defined by age and more by fragility. If she could play a sweet old grandmother in a black and white movie, she gets the seat, hands down. On the subway culture, elderly ladies rein supreme. They should always have a seat. No exceptions.

****If the pregnancy is questionable, use caution. Giving up your seat to an overweight woman could be offensive to her and create an uncomfortable ride for the person sitting next to her.

***** Please note: The stroller MUST have a child. If the stroller is carrying groceries, clothes, or other miscellaneous items, this person should not get a seat and should not be riding during rush hour (see Rule 4).

****** It may not be fair, but teenage boys are almost always standing on the train. Don’t shed too many tears though, they have the metabolism to eat six meals a day topped off by a liter of Coke and jumbo pack of king-size Oreos (double stuffed!) without gaining an ounce – so the cosmic karma all shakes out.

*******This may seem like an obvious one, but apparently it's not. Urinating on the train creates a phenomena called "stinky car", which, not unlike "unair-conditioned car" in the summer, leads to a mass exodus of passengers at every stop running frantically for the next car over. Also, pee on the train runs down the length of the car, so no one is safe from its path. Pee on the train is just no fun for anyone.



Thank you for taking the time to read these 10 rules and regulations in regards to the New York City Subway. If we can all follow these ten simple rules, subway transit will run smoother and every ride will be a little more pleasant for us all.